I am at a crossroads in my life.
I’m just a few short years away from the big 4-0. I have a thriving business and big goals set for our family’s future. My hands are full with 5 kids and even with helping hands, the load is heavy. As overwhelming as the thought of having another human to raise seems, I can’t shake the feeling that there is more for our family that is far bigger than what my mind can conceive.
5 Kids and Counting??
My youngest baby recently turned 1 and there is always that sinking feeling that this could be the last baby for me. I’ll never say I am done having kids. I like leaving my options open. I just don’t like the idea of totally closing myself off to how I may feel about having another baby a year from now. Certainly the trying and sleepless months with a newborn make me want to hit the pause button. But that feeling of “OMG I’m done” is never finalized.
I know, I know- I’m sure a lot of you are reading this and thinking I need a shrink – and maybe I do (feel free to refer me to your favorite therapist- I’m hiring!) but I LOVE being a mom; even the hard moments, sad moments, tear-your-hair-out-of-your-head moments!
With the exception of Hannah’s arm (which I don’t consider a complication) I had very easy pregnancies and easy births. Hannah has been a gift beyond belief and I can’t imagine life without her in our family. We are open to life and we realize that’s not really the easy road, but we aren’t looking for easy. We are looking for ways to make an impact and to live selflessly. That vision looks different for everyone and everyone has to figure out their purpose and how to best live out their life. Matt and I are on the same page about ours and that feels really good. That, in itself, is an incredible gift.
I wasn’t surprised when I found out I was pregnant with Hannah. We were well aware of the time of month, but every pregnancy is still a bit of a shock is it not? As the pregnancy progressed and she arrived and started to grow, I started thinking that she might be my last baby.
Five kids is a good number, and the thought of 6 is often overwhelming. As time progressed and I emerged out of the foggy mommy brain of having a newborn, I started thinking. . . maybe there are more kids in our future. 🙂 It could have been that she was so darn cute or maybe I wanted her to have a playmate close in age to her, but yes, I started thinking about #6. And Matt just says “what’s one more?”
I know in today’s world, having a large family is fairly uncommon. When we go out, it can be like herding feral cats, but we are used to it at this point and for the most part, they are really pretty good.
To tell you the truth, I guess I am having a hard time wrapping my head around either scenario. I look down one path and I see myself moving past milky boobs, cribs, diapers and OMG POTTY TRAINING and I think it sounds dreamy. If my life goes this way, I will enjoy each one of Hannah’s firsts as if it’s the last time I get this chance. Then I look down the other path and take comfort in knowing I won’t have to put away the infant cradle that each of our kids slept in and I won’t have to be sad that she doesn’t want to nurse from me any more because, there will be others. . .
How do you know?
I’ve been told that I ‘will know’ when I am done. But I don’t think that’s true. I think that my life’s path is direct by a Higher Power and I can make all the plans I want, but if they are not in God’s plan then they are not meant for me. I know you probably think I’m nuts, but if I leave my destiny up to my God, then I get to worry less and enjoy the life I’ve been given more.
And then I have more time to tend to my big, busy herd!